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The Science of Setting Boundaries When You're Afraid of Rejection
- Brain Botanics
- May 14
- 5 min read
Your nervous system processes social rejection partly using the same region as physical pain. So when your system is in protection mode, saying "no" feels as threatening as actual danger.
As a therapist working with anxious millennial women, I see this pattern constantly. Your brain isn't broken—it's stuck in an outdated protection mode where social acceptance meant survival.
The Boundary Paradox for Socially Anxious People
If you're reading this, you might already recognize the impossible situation you find yourself in:
You need boundaries for healthy relationships
Setting boundaries risks social rejection
Social rejection is what you fear most
So you avoid setting boundaries
This leads to resentment and eventual disconnection
It's a cycle that makes perfect evolutionary sense—but it's not serving you in modern life.
Why People-Pleasing Is Actually a Clever Survival Strategy
Let's take a moment to understand what's happening in your brain and body when you people-please. This isn't about weakness or character flaws—it's about survival mechanisms that once served an important purpose:
Your amygdala activates: When you perceive potential rejection (like when setting a boundary), your brain's threat-detection system 'lights up' like a bonfire on guy fawkes.
Fight-flight-freeze response kicks in: Your nervous system shifts into protection mode, flooding your body with stress hormones.
Prefrontal cortex struggles to regulate: The part of your brain responsible for rational thinking gets overridden, making it harder to assess the actual (usually minimal) risk of setting a boundary.
Pattern recognition goes into overdrive: Your brain connects this moment to every past experience of rejection, amplifying your fear response.
This entire process happens in milliseconds, often before you're even consciously aware of it. That's why people-pleasing can feel so automatic and beyond your control.
I made a short video summarising the above here
The Physical Cost of Constant People-Pleasing
When you're constantly saying "yes" when you want to say "no," your body pays a significant price:
Chronic stress response: Your body remains in a heightened state of alertness
Exhaustion: The energy required to monitor others' responses and manage your own emotions is immense
Sleep disruption: Your mind replays social interactions, looking for signs of disapproval
Digestive issues: Stress hormones impact your gut health
Muscle tension: Particularly in your shoulders, jaw, and neck from the constant vigilance
Lowered immunity: Chronic stress impacts your immune system functioning
This is why breaking people-pleasing patterns isn't just about psychological wellbeing—it's about your physical health too.
The Window of Tolerance Explained
To understand how to change these patterns, we need to talk about your "window of tolerance"—a concept from polyvagal theory that explains your nervous system's capacity to handle stress.
When you're within your window of tolerance, you can:
Think clearly
Feel your emotions without being overwhelmed
Make decisions aligned with your values
Set boundaries effectively
But when social anxiety pushes you outside this window, you either:
Hyperarousal: Feel panicky, racing thoughts, heightened vigilance
Hypoarousal: Shut down, feel numb, disconnect, or "freeze"
Most people-pleasers fluctuate between these states, making boundary-setting nearly impossible.
Breaking the Pattern: Evidence-Based Approaches
Through my work with clients using ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), I've developed a framework that addresses both the psychological and physiological aspects of people-pleasing.
1. Build Awareness of Your Warning Signs
Start by noticing your physical responses before people-pleasing:
Tightness in your chest
Quickened breathing
Stomach churning
Voice changes (higher pitch, quicker pace)
Feeling small or wanting to physically shrink
These sensations are your nervous system's early warning system—learn to recognize them before automatic people-pleasing kicks in.
2. Practice Nervous System Regulation
When those warning signs appear, try these regulation techniques:
Hand on heart: Place your hand on your heart and feel your heartbeat
Orienting: Notice 5 things you can see in your environment to bring you into the present moment
Grounding: Feel your feet firmly planted on the floor
Focus solely on the sounds around you to narrow in your focus to the here and now.
These simple practices help widen your window of tolerance, giving you more capacity to tolerate the discomfort of setting boundaries.
3. Start with Low-Stakes Boundaries
The science of effective boundaries shows that the clearer the boundary, the less anxiety it causes. Begin with low-risk situations:
"I can't stay late tonight, I have plans"
"I'd prefer to go somewhere quieter where we can talk"
"I need a day to think about this before I decide"
These smaller boundaries help build your "boundary muscle" before tackling harder ones.
4. Recognize Common Safety Behaviors That Keep You Stuck
Safety behaviors temporarily reduce anxiety but reinforce the fear long-term. Common ones include:
Over-explaining your "no"
Apologising excessively
Speaking quickly to "get it over with"
Avoiding eye contact when setting boundaries
Using softening language ("maybe," "just," "sorry, but...")
While these behaviors feel protective, they actually send signals to your nervous system that boundary-setting is dangerous.
5. Practice Values-Based Boundary Setting
Instead of focusing on reducing anxiety (which paradoxically increases it), focus on what boundaries allow you to live more aligned with your values:
What matters most to you in relationships?
How do boundaries help you show up authentically?
What becomes possible when you protect your time and energy?
This shift from fear-avoidance to values-approach changes how your brain processes boundary-setting.
A Client's Journey: From People-Pleasing to Authentic Connection
A client of mine (whom the details shall remain anonymous and slightly changed to protect privacy) who was a marketing manager, came to therapy exhausted from saying yes to everything. She described her life as "constantly performing" and felt resentment building in all her relationships.
Through our work together, she learned to:
Recognise her physical cues before people-pleasing
Regulate her nervous system with techniques that actually work, not ones borrowed from TikTok
Start with small boundaries at work ("I'll review this tomorrow")
Gradually build to bigger boundaries with family and friends
Six months later, Sarah reported feeling "like herself" for the first time in years. Her relationships had deepened rather than fractured, and she had more energy for what truly mattered to her. Not to mention way less anxiety overall and going out her comfort zone without panic attacks.
Taking the First Step
Breaking people-pleasing patterns isn't about becoming selfish or uncaring—quite the opposite. It's about showing up authentically in your relationships and having more to give because you're not depleted. The transformation my clients experience is life-changing—from saying yes to everything and feeling constantly depleted to confidently expressing their needs without fear. They move from people-pleasing to authentic connection, from resentment to respect, from exhaustion to energy that comes from living aligned with their true values.
If you recognise yourself in this article and are ready to break free from people-pleasing patterns, I invite you to reach out for a free consultation. We'll discuss how my approach can help you build confidence in setting boundaries and create more authentic connections.
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