Always Feeling You're Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why.

Are you buying half of the self help section of the bookshelf doing self affirmations? Googling things about self confidence wondering how on earth do I get me some of that?

Feeling inadequate is one thing to understand mentally. But to actually change it and stop beating yourself up requires some serious inner work. Why?

Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough.

6 REASONS FOR NOT FEELING GOOD ENOUGH

1.YOU HAVE HIDDEN CORE BELIEFS THAT ARE RUNNING THE SHOW.

Low self worth is hand in hand with the hidden assumptions about the world, others in it, and ourselves that we don't think to question.

These core beliefs often find their seeds when we were children when we don't have the capability to bring critical thinking. We unwittingly base all our life decisions on these core beliefs that go unquestioned!

For example, a child with a parent who suddenly leaves one day without offering a reason is not evolved to understand an adult having a mental breakdown, or running off for space after a fight. In the child’s mind, the core belief ‘if you love someone they leave you’ takes hold. Even if the parent comes back a few days later the belief sticks, and the child grows into an adult who never lets anyone close.

2. YOUR INNER VOICE IS CRITICAL AND JUDGEMENTAL.

You can tell yourself that you are a positive thinker when you don't take the time to listen to your own thoughts. You might be surprised at what you hear! Try mindfulness, not only does it promote well being and often be a fantastic support in moving forward, its great for slowing down enough to hear your thoughts.

3. YOU CHOOSE TO BE AROUND NEGATIVE PEOPLE

Not only can our core beliefs take over the ruin our sense of self, but we can let other people also do that job where we feel constantly put down or need to defend ourselves all the time in critical or negative relationships.

4. YOU HAD DISTANT, DEMANDING OR CRITICAL PARENTS

Yes, perhaps you had a ‘good childhood’. You never recall feeling deprived or needing anything. Perhaps what you don't realise is what you needed was love and approval.

Maybe the message that your parents gave you is that they needed you to be smarter, sportier, quieter or take up less space… you were given the message that you were not good enough.

It might have just been that your parents was not good at loving due to their own unresolved issues. And perhaps they didn't intend to give you that message. As children we naturally seek approval and love. So we learn to muffle our real personality and become a ‘good’ child, and become an adult who never feels a sense of worth.

5. YOU PARENT COULDN’T OFFER YOU STABILITY OR SAFETY.

Some children have a parent who cannot offer them a safe base of stability. This is a rupture of trust from very early in life. Perhaps your parent was suffering depression, or was in a toxic relationship, or an alcoholic, If a parent is unable to be present in the relationship the child can feel responsible for the parent’s happiness.

If only you acted a certain way, did certain things, your parent would be okay. But of course a child can’t fix it. So their endless codependency evolves into a belief they are not good enough somehow.

6. YOU EXPERIENCED STRONG TRAUMA(S) IN THE PAST.

Of course bad parenting isn't the sole contributor for not feeling good enough. Childhood trauma annihilates a child’s sense of worth.

Most children feel responsible for the trauma, particularly if it is physical abuse or sexual abuse. They internalise the idea they are bad and worthless, so deserved it.

So do we always need to look to the past when we talk about not feeling good enough? Its unavoidable that the environments and experiences of our childhood affected us.

And sometimes it is a marked trauma as an adult that leaves us not feeling good enough, such as a betrayal.

What can help?

Humanistic therapies like person-centred therapy can help your confidence by showing you the personal resources you already have, and helping you grow these inner resources and use them to make better choices. Finding ways to be kinder to yourself through your therapist, will also have tremendous potential to generate feelings of self worth. Mindfulness, and any action you can take to place priority on what you're feeling, and listening to them without judging.

Click here to book a session to help recover and flourish your self esteem.