Approval is one of the most sensitive wounds most of us carry. For many people, the word alone brings a tense feeling, a memory of childhood, or the habit of watching for the next criticism. It’s also one of the most misunderstood ideas about love.
Why we get love wrong
Many of us believe we’re being loving when we aren’t. A parent who limits their child’s choices, aiming for what they think is best, may feel they’re showing love. But they’re not making room for the child’s own truth, so they’re doing the opposite of loving.
This article looks at the biggest misconception of all: that love means approval.
What it means to love something
To love something is to take it as part of yourself. Love pulls things towards you and includes them in who you are.
When someone experiences constant criticism and disapproval in childhood, especially to the point of feeling rejected by the people around them, they can develop trauma around disapproval. It begins to feel like being pushed away instead of pulled in. It can feel disrespectful, and it often brings shame.
Over time, that shame can turn into a strong pull towards approval, as if approval were the cure for feeling ashamed.
What it means to approve of something
To approve of something is to hold a positive opinion about it. That usually leads to accepting it or agreeing to it, which sounds loving. It sounds like not resisting.
But ask yourself whether approval always serves the person receiving it. Can you truly approve of something that will hurt someone? You can approve without loving, and you can disapprove because you love. Approval and love can exist together, or they can exist apart.
Where approval is not loving
Two examples show this clearly.
A writer wants to become an author. His editor never wants him to feel discouraged, so she avoids giving him the honest, constructive feedback he needs to improve. Her approval feels kind, but it leaves him unprepared and sets him up to struggle.
A partner who is the main earner wants to quit their job. Their partner agrees, even though there’s no financial plan for the change, because they believe they should support their dreams no matter what. They accept the uncertainty, even though it could cause real harm.
Both examples show what I call the shadow of approval: a positive opinion that allows something that doesn’t benefit the person. It looks like support, but it’s actually resistance.
What approval looks like in relationships
If you equate approval with love, you may find yourself in relationships built on validation. Everything gets agreed to, whether or not it serves either person. Your sense of respect and self-worth starts to depend on being approved of, and the relationship becomes unhealthy. Both people drift away from what they actually want and what’s actually good for them.
The unspoken rule often sounds something like this: “Let me do whatever I want, approve of everything I think, say and do, and I’ll do the same for you.”
When disapproval arrives, it can feel like a demand to stop being yourself and become someone else for the other person’s benefit. Over time, that can leave you feeling controlled and resentful. Unconditional approval, by contrast, can feel like freedom, because it’s the only time you’re not being asked to conform.
Something to reflect on
- What does approval mean to you in your own life and relationships?
- Do you change your behaviour to avoid disapproval, even when it costs you?
- Has your relationship with approval changed over time?
If anything in this article has stirred something up, you can book a free consultation with me, or reach out to someone you trust.